By Mary T. O’Sullivan, MSOL

“What I don’t like about the holiday office party is looking for a new job the next day.” –  Phyllis Diller

It’s that time of year again where at the company office party, you may risk making a fool out of yourself in front of your slightly bemused colleagues (and, unfortunately, your boss). Aside from recovering from that embarrassment,  it’s also time to start thinking seriously about that other loaded workplace tradition: the office Secret Santa or gift exchange.

During the holiday season, well-meaning office managers send out festive emails announcing the annual holiday gift exchange, with spreading good cheer in mind. This tradition is meant to encourage team spirit and holiday cheer and enhance the employee “experience”. In practice, it’s often a combination of muddled expectations, poorly thought-out gifts, and sneaky office politics. Should you engage or bow out? Maybe choosing a good gift in the Secret Santa event will redeem you for the rest of the year. If you are a new employee, it may be best to follow the lead of another employee you would trust with your future.

While some people actually enjoy hunting for the perfect $20 Christmas keepsake for their mystery coworker, others dread the possibility of unwrapping a gag gift in front of the entire team.(Yes, there is an actual poop emoji tree ornament). This challenge is precisely why establishing clear gift exchange rules isn’t just a good idea—it’s essential to keep the peace and prevent undue friction once the holidays and the joviality are over. Once January rolls around, you don’t want the lingering thoughts of a bad gift to color your attitudes toward fellow co-workers. The Society for Human Resource Mangers (SHRM), suggests a good general rule to follow: “A Good Workplace Gift-Giving Rule: Would Your Mom Approve?”

The Gift Exchange Debate

While some people actually look forward to the holiday cheer of office gift giving, others approach the occasion with dread. While spending time walking around the mall may excite some, the co-worker you hardly know may resent the whole effort, and opt out, or just treat it as a joke. And it’s especially no fun if the gift is obviously re-gifted, worn, or expired. SHRM recommends imposing some structure on the gift exchange practice and emphasizes the importance of establishing guidelines and a procedure to avoid awkwardness and ensure everyone is having a good time. In addition, “including a cost limit is necessary, with $20 being a standard cap,” said Harley Storrings, labor and employment attorney at the Fort Lauderdale office of Arnstein & Lehr.

Rule #1: Set a Clear Budget

The most common rule in gift exchanges is the spending ceiling, but even this straightforward guideline can go astray. A $20 maximum, for example, can mean wildly different things to different people. However, it should be spelled out that  gifts should be workplace related and professional, to force limits on spending. Also, to eliminate any confusion, give some examples of gifts that are not work or professionally appropriate.(Like a Whoopie Cushion or a nose flute).

Rule #2: Ban the Gag Gifts

“The gift giver should ask, Is this gift something you would feel comfortable telling your family about?” Storrings said. “Would you be able to tell your mother, grandmother, daughter or son what you gave as a gift?  While shot glass roulette,a pet rock, or fake lottery tickets might get a laugh, gag gifts can easily backfire. “For example, a colleague of mine received a book on dating tips for dummies a few years ago. Although the gift was intended to be a joke, my colleague was visibly embarrassed,” Storrings said.

 Keep in mind that not everyone shares the same sense of humor. If you can’t resist humor, play it safe with funny looking socks or note pad or calendar with cute sayings.

Rule #3: Consider Cultural Sensitivity

The holiday season has different meanings for different cultures, and gift exchanges should reflect the organization’s commitment to the diversity of its employees. Avoid gifts that assume everyone celebrates Christmas specifically, drinks alcohol, or enjoys certain foods. This year, 2024, Hannukah is December 25 – January 2, the same period of time as Christmas and New Year’s. Keep the office gifts neutral: candles, gift cards, smart phone accessories, etc. And don’t put up any mistletoe.

Rule #4: Communicate the Rules Clearly

Even the best rules don’t help if no one knows what they are. HR experts recommend distributing guidelines for gift giving well in advance, so no one can say they didn’t know about the rules. Employees should refer back to the company handbook with the code of conduct and gift giving rules clearly and distinctly stated. It wouldn’t hurt if mangers and HR took an active role in constructing and distributing  this type of communication.

When Rules Go Wrong

Despite the best efforts of HR and management, not everybody manages to stick to the rules. Sometimes, it’s due to forgetfulness. Other times, it’s a deliberate act of rebellion. According to Coppice HR, a situation occurred in 2008 “whereby a Bedforshire, UK, Police Officer had to resign from his role after gifting a Muslim colleague bacon and wine as a Secret Santa gift.”   Work Judge, an HR online resource says, “a misjudged gift can feel like a character assassination. It’s a delicate balancing act – one which not only relies on good judgment of the recipient is, but also on their personal boundaries. The unpredictability of it all is enough to create great anxiety not only for those involved but for employers too, and in many cases put turn them off to the whole thing altogether.”

The Psychology of Giving

Gift exchanges, while seemingly lighthearted, tap into deeper social dynamics. Research suggests that giving and receiving gifts can strengthen bonds—but only when both parties feel the exchange was fair and thoughtful.

“When someone gives a gift that feels personal, it shows they care,” says Dr. Elise Patterson, a workplace psychologist. “But when the gift feels rushed or thoughtless, it can create resentment, even if it’s unintentional.”

This is why rules are so important. They create a level playing field and help ensure that everyone feels valued.

Virtual Gift Exchanges: A New Frontier

In the age of remote and hybrid work, many organizations have transitioned to virtual gift giving. While this solves some logistical challenges, it introduces new ones.

Gift cards (physical or digital), mailed packages, or even online shopping have become great alternative solutions. However, when organizing a virtual gift exchange, employers must remind the participants about shipping times, budget differences across regions, and potential technical delays. You don’t want your gift arriving in time for Valentine’s Day, so mail early.

Virtual exchanges can be lots of fun if you can be creative. A “favorite local snack” theme in Rhode Island would be a big hit. Imagine opening up your mail to find a gift of Del’s Lemonade Mix, Autocrat Coffee Syrup, or Sweenor’s Chocolate. Those gifts would be quite a success and mark the occasion as something people can really look forward to!

Wrapping It All Up

The office gift exchange is meant to be a celebration of connection and team spirit, and not a stressor. By establishing clear rules, encouraging thoughtful participation, and keeping things inclusive, organizations can ensure that the gift exchange remains a source of holiday good times.

So, this year, before you toss some fake vomit or squirrel hot tub  into your shopping cart, remember the golden rule of gifting: Ask yourself if your mother would approve. And if all else fails, chocolate is always a safe bet.

“I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn’t.” — Kevin Malone, The Office

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